I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
