Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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