Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
