Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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