This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
