I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize