I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
