i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
