I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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