Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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