the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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