I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize