I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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