Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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