I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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