So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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