mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
worst night to have a conscience
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
