Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everclear isn't food dammit
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
