I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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