shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
