DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
