i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
