I'm so fucking centered right now
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
