dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
