If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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