I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
