Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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