So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
