I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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