my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
