Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
