I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
