Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
