and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
