dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
