he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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