I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
