Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
