My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
