I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
