The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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