i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
