your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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