I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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