I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
