Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
