True but thats because hes a fetus.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
