Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
