ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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