Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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