Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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