I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
