Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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