fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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