vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
