You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
