sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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