If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
