there's paper in my vomit.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
