oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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