Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
