Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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